The Feeling of Sonder

Sonder can hit you in the strangest places, too—like when you pass by a cemetery. You stop for a moment and glance at the graves, thinking about how, to you, they might just look like ordinary tombstones. But in that brief pause, you realize there’s so much more to them. Each one represents a life lived, full of memories, fears, loves, and regrets—things that are now buried beneath the earth. In this moment, the gravestone is not just a marker; it’s a symbol of a story that was once vivid, meaningful, and complex, but that story is now hidden from view. It's a stark reminder that life is fragile, and that beneath the surface of everything we see, there is always a deeper layer of meaning. It’s truly a beautiful concept that makes you realize how much a life is actually worth. It’s hard not to feel a sense of awe mixed with unease when you think about the complexity of each person’s existence. Our own lives feel so intricate, and we’re so focused on our own day-to-day experiences, worries, and aspirations, that we rarely stop to consider how intricate other people’s lives are. They’re walking their own paths, facing their own challenges, and yet all of this is happening simultaneously, in parallel with your own life. There’s something deeply strange about this realization. On one hand, it’s comforting to know that you’re not alone in your complex self. Every person you encounter has their own set of struggles and 'wins', and in that sense, we’re all connected through the shared experience of being alive. On the other hand, it’s terrifying to realize just how little we can ever truly understand about the lives of others. There are stories all around us—stories we may never hear of, lives we may never reach. 

     0.3 How Can We Ever Fully Understand Others? 

The real answer to this question is—we can’t. While sonder can feel uplifting, there’s also a bittersweet side to it. The more we come to understand the complexity of others' lives, the more we realize how little we can truly understand. Every person has their own inner world that we can never fully access, no matter how much we try. We can never truly know what it’s like to live someone else’s life. We can’t fully grasp their thoughts, their feelings, or the depth of their past experiences. This realization can feel both tragic and beautiful at the same time. This uncertainty can create a sense of longing. You might wish you could peep into the minds of others—to understand them on a deeper level, to answer all the questions that arise when you wonder about someone else’s life. What did that man in the coffee shop experience yesterday? What will happen to him tomorrow? What choices led him to be sitting there today? But in truth, the mystery of others' lives is something we can never solve. In some ways, it’s a reminder of our limitations and the ultimate unknowability of the human experience. Everyone has lives just as complex as ours, which has a beauty to it. In today’s digital age, sonder takes up a new level. Through social media, we have access to more glimpses of other people’s lives than ever before. We see their photos, read their posts, and get a sense of what they're experiencing, but this form of connection often feels shallow, and restricted. It’s easier than ever to be aware of others' existence, but it’s also easier to forget that each person behind the screen has an entire life that is full of complexities, beyond what they choose to share online. Maybe, in some ways, technology adds to the feeling of sonder. We’re constantly surrounded by images and stories of others, but they often only scratch the surface of what those lives are truly like. It’s a paradox: we’re more connected than ever before, but we also feel more isolated, unable to bridge the emotional gap created by our screens that remains despite our digital proximity.